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[log] 意識 【consciousness】

Who: Asano Rin (revengeisalie) and Kuchiki Rukia (idkmybffchappy)
Status: Closed, ongoing.
Style: Prose.
Where: Himorogi.
When: Morning of Week 4, Day 7.
Warnings: Reference to violence.

At first, the world was dark and silent. A disturbed silence, a treacherous calm, like the sea after a storm.

That was the first thing she knew. And she wasn't quite sure how she knew it, and if she'd really ever seen a sea or a storm before. Right now, she was just swimming in the darkness, a bodiless entity waiting for the world to be born. Held together at her fuzzy seams by the bare dawning of consciousness. When she realized she had a memory, she had to try and dig for something, a sound, a name. Her name. For a while there, she was just flailing around helplessly. Then, suddenly, it came within her reach, whisps of sound vocalized: Ri-n. Rin.

This was how the waiting ended, this was how she became known. How she came together, edges smoothed and essence bundled by that little sound.

Impatient now, she realized she needed to wake. She strove toward that, though the dark was powerful, wanted to keep her, or maybe she really wanted to keep it, but she wouldn't. Rin broke through it with her will and it dawned on her that she had shape. A thing that contained her and separated her from the rest of the world: a body. It felt strange, like a new experience, even if the vague memory of having had shape before lingered with her. Whether it was the same, she wasn't quite sure.

Light filtered through her eyelids, and she knew she had to reach it, tear herself off the darkness, and connect to the outside world.

So she did.

What greeted her was bright, blinding light. She had to shut her eyes again; it was so intense it almost stung. Yet Rin suddenly ached for it, wanted that light so desperately, she could barely wait for her eyes to get used to it (it was almost as if she were fleeing from something, but she didn't know what).

Finally, awake. Firm and well-settled in the world, which took on contours: a forest, painted in very bright green. The song of birds hit her ear, and something rustled in the shrubbery a few feet away. She was lying on solid, uneven ground; moss and little twigs and stones. They digged into her like an old wound, and that was another memory she couldn't quite grasp. She thought back to the sleep she'd just awaken from. It hadn't been easy. Felt like an eternity. On everything else, she drew a blank.

High above her were the thick, widespread branches of an enormous tree. They blocked out the sun; only a few glaring rays filtering through. The wind sang through them.

Ah, yes. She'd been here before, had those same pebbles and twigs burying into her, hurting her, stuck in her wound, gunshot wound, caused by --

-- too much, it was all too much. Too bright, too loud; the many impressions of the world suddenly bearing down on her. Unreal, she'd had that feeling of unreality about this place before, but now it just looked like a caricature, like something that imitated life to mask just how rotten it was. The sweet taste of the air turned foul in her mouth.

She remembered, now. All the pain she'd been feeling had carried over beyond the abyss into body memory. If she just dared to face it, she could feel the gap in her foot and the dirt (and the fingers) in it, the gap in her shoulder, even as they were whole and new and pristine. Tears spilled over, running down sideways over her temples, netting her skin with wetness and then touching her hair, too. She could feel it where strands of it touched the sides of her face. As they usually did. Her fringe was in place, too. The right length. She was as if pieced back together. Or as if someone had made a copy of her body and grafted her mind and soul onto it. Was this her own, was it the real thing? The thought of inhabiting a body that looked and felt like her own, but might not be was new and abstract, and not one she liked. Another tear followed, this time for mourning the loss of her old body, shattered forever by a bullet, scattered among the winds.

Because there was another thing she knew now, and that was that she had died. She wasn't quite sure how she knew, except for body memory, again: a vague, distant feeling of having her head burst open. That was it, yes, that was it -- she very clearly remembered those last moments, the gun to her head. Prayed, hadn't she? Well, so much for buddhism. Amida hadn't heard her, or at least she couldn't recall any nice greeting in afterlife -- but wait, were you even supposed to remember your death when you were reborn?

That was the thing. You weren't supposed to remember anything at all, to be created anew as an entirely different being. This here, this was half-assed to say the least. She wasn't sure what to think of that. Right about now, she'd sort of like to be somebody else.

But who knew. Maybe this was the afterlife. One where people killed each other, just to replay the cycle of life over and over again. Actually, that was the most plausible explanation she'd come up with yet.

Rin put one hand to her forehead, and she wanted to laugh, she wanted to cry. She did both at the same time, with no care for who might hear her. (because what was she even doing, what sense was there in trying to rationalize one's death)

(but she needed to do something to hang on, now)

(so close to breaking, so close)

(could already feel the rifts beneath the surface)

It didn't really matter.

Comments

( 23 comments — Leave a comment )
idkmybffchappy
Apr. 26th, 2010 01:02 pm (UTC)
Rukia had walked away for only a moment to stretch her legs. Sure enough when she returned, Rin was there and going through some sort of emotional turmoil. She was laughing, but Rukia also heard sobs. Was she at her breaking point? It didn’t matter either way. She was slightly upset with herself for letting Rin wake up alone, but the shinigami planned to fix that right now.

Moving towards the girl (coming from behind), Rukia knelt down and slowly wrapped her arms around Rin’s shoulders. She pressed her chest into the other girl’s back, resting her forehead against the back of Rin’s head. Sometimes, the smallest things were comforting, not to mention that waking up alone after being killed (not that Rukia would know) probably was not the greatest feeling. But Rukia wanted to let Rin know that she was here and she wasn’t going anywhere.

Right. There was phone call after phone call to Rukia. Where was she? Why did she go alone? Did… no one trust her to take care of herself? She supposed that her dying once worked against her in the fact that she could do things on her own. Byakuya was planning to send Renji with her and Ukitake demanded her location and what she was doing. It wasn’t like her to deny orders. But she needed to do this; no one else needed to get involved. Definitely, she would apologize to them later, but she also wanted to make a stand for herself. And it’s not as if she was hiding either. Her reiatsu was the same level as it usually was; there was no need to mask it. If the other wanted to come after her, then let them come. But she wasn’t going to explain anything or move from her spot. Although, that was all before she had decided not to get involved in the plot against Joker.

Killing people… the mere act was useless. Rukia was killed and she killed Iroh. They both were revived in time. That’s why she decided to wait for Rin at Himorogi. Rin… being the young shinigami’s first friend here, she wanted to be there for her. She knew the other girl would do the same, and as a matter of fact, she already had. When Rukia came out of the shell of her alternate ego, Rin had sought her out and brought her back to take care of her. Perhaps it was the concept of returning the favor, but it wasn’t like that for Rukia. She defied her brother and her captain’s orders in order to be there for Rin. She was an ally, a friend. She wanted to do this on her own.

There was only one thing Rukia could say to Rin that would have some sort of powerful meaning but not to alarm her. A small smile fell upon her lips.

“Welcome back.”
revengeisalie
Apr. 26th, 2010 02:43 pm (UTC)
Rin didn't hear the footsteps.

She was still laughing and crying and too loud in her own ears to pay much heed to anything around her. Which quickly proved to be a grave mistake, as something, someone -- a person touched her, came at her from behind, with their grabby hands, and at that point, Rin only reacted. Her brain went into panic mode and she screamed and thrashed about. Even as the person clutched her, or that's what it felt like, she struggled for all it was worth.

It was like the Joker breathing in her ear all over again. Maybe he'd never left. Maybe he'd never leave.
idkmybffchappy
Apr. 26th, 2010 02:50 pm (UTC)
Rukia, honestly, should have expected that.

She lifted her head as her grip became tighter. "Rin, it's me, Rukia!" She should have known after what happened that touching her so suddenly could throw her into a panic. "Calm down!"
revengeisalie
Apr. 28th, 2010 11:29 am (UTC)
Still struggling, even as the hands, the iron braces around her clamped down for real, trapdoors shut forever to lead to a cruel death, a slow burn, a walk on coals and glass shards, plunge to suffocation, dissolution on the endless wrath of Izanami. But she, she was a small flame and a budding flower, needed to consume and sow before the cycle was at its end.

And then, a voice.

Young and feminine and not the coarse laughter spun around her, spinning, trying to mix with these new sounds -- no, not new.

Familiar. Familiar and not threatening.

Rin stopped her struggle, but still remained tense, even as she felt weariness set in, old baggage and new strain. She was quiet and still for a moment, just breathing and trying to come out of her shell, to the surface, to direct contact with the world again. Because the birds chirping and the branches swaying and the hands on her body were all so far away. The consciousness movies freely within the mind, and the mind is like a sphere, if it is to be equated to any physical shape at all: it has inner and outer levels.

Sometimes, this movement is unwanted and hard to control; Rin had trouble focusing. Again, a name, to connect the voice to memory -- ah.

"R-Rukia," said Rin, finally allowing herself to relax a little.
idkmybffchappy
Apr. 28th, 2010 11:54 am (UTC)
"Yes... it's me. Forgive me for startling you. I hadn't meant to let you wake up alone."

Seeing that Rin calmed down, her grip loosen slightly, but she sill didn't move away from the girl. Rukia sighed. Rin's reaction was plausible and definitely justified.

"I've been waiting for you."
revengeisalie
Apr. 28th, 2010 03:25 pm (UTC)
"Waiting for me?" Rin had to repeat the words out loud, and then a few more times in a quieter voice and without the questioning tilt, in order to really comprehend them. She still felt like a pool of chaos in which words had little power, but eventually, she understood.

This woman, whom she hardly knew, had waited for her to wake up. And then jumbled thoughts followed: word of her death had gotten around? Ah, yes, she remembered -- others had been on the scene. Marco, the boy who could transform into animals, had been there. Obviously to help her, or at least to do harm to her tormentor, who didn't seem to be the most well-liked person around (hardly a wonder). She'd probably have to thank them, thank them for trying, and that obligation had a bitter taste.

But hey, she thought, at least if I hadn't been [...] (her mind blotted the word out), I would probably now be walking around with gaping wounds in my body.

It was almost funny.

And Rukia, she'd have to thank her too, who probably didn't hear of the incident until it was all too late. But that would be easier. She even felt honestly grateful that someone in this place cared about her enough to be waiting for her to wake up again.

It took her a few attempts, but finally she said: "Thanks," then she swallowed, and again, "thanks."
idkmybffchappy
Apr. 28th, 2010 03:29 pm (UTC)
"You don't need to thank me. I wish I could have... done something for you. I learned about the incident all too late. And I knew killing him would not done anything. When people die, they are revived like you and I. Revenge is meaningless... senseless. So the only thing I could do was wait."

Rukia sighed into the girl's back pressing her forehead against Rin's hair. She had wanted to do something, and waiting for Rin wasn't exactly what she wanted to do. She wanted to fight, take Joker down . But Marco talked of their plans of killing him. Killing... did nothing. The person would only come back again. And then there would be an endless cycle of revenge. To kill to get your revenge, only to have the person revived. From then on, a person would be angry at the fact that the other person would not stay dead, and the cycle would continue. There was no point.
revengeisalie
Apr. 28th, 2010 03:57 pm (UTC)
What a nice thing to say. What a beautiful, righteous thing to say. Were those Rukia's thoughts on the matter? If so, she was in for quite a shock if she ever got to know Rin better. And right now, it looked like she would, if only by pure necessity.

She managed a dry laugh. "Meaningless... is it?" she said.

Right, revenge was meaningless. Of course it was. That was the ultimate truth of the matter. And yet, and yet... yet Rin knew that, should she ever get the opportunity to kill that man, she wouldn't even think twice. She'd hesitated before, but with this one, she was confident she wouldn't.

(if only to make him shut up)

Even if he'd be revived. He deserved that pain. He'd earned it.

There was another thing: when Rukia pressed closer, things got uncomfortable. That physical closeness was unpleasant to Rin now, too up-close, too much contact, too little space. She needed space.

"Uhm, could you, err...," stammering, old politeness getting in the way. To hell with politeness. "Could you back off a little?"
idkmybffchappy
Apr. 28th, 2010 04:03 pm (UTC)
"Hm?" Rukia let go of her grip and sat back on her knees. Just because Rukia knew that killing Joker would amount to nothing, that didn't mean she was and planned on being a part of another plan. She looked up to the sky for a couple of times before speaking again.

"It's meaningless because this place allows it to be so." She could imagine how angry Rin would be... The only natural thing would be to get revenge on the person that killed you, especially since you had a second chance at life. But who's to say that he won't have a second chance at life as well? She knew, without a doubt, her words upset Rin.

But she didn't want to be a part of a vicious cycle.
revengeisalie
Apr. 28th, 2010 04:25 pm (UTC)
When Rukia let go, Rin breathed easier. Deeper. Still Rukia was behind her, so Rin couldn't quite relax, couldn't help her hackles being so raised, her body being so tense and taut, just waiting to jump at any sign of danger. She wasn't even sure if she wanted to. Right now, vigilance seemed like the best damn thing.

At any rate, it did feel a good deal better.

Then Rukia said something interesting.

"That's all?" Rin couldn't help asking. So that was what she'd meant? It was only meaningless because people got revived here? That was certainly logical -- but comforting, it was not. Too simplicistic. Rin's heart yearned to pay back what had been done to her, yearned for a clear-cut morality that worked in her favor, but life had taught her otherwise.

Geez, barely revived and she was contemplating ethical theory. She had better things to do, really, she did. Should get her act together by now. Should quit just sitting around, even if moving was a hellish prospect.

Such as it is when you're afraid the world might break you.

Edited at 2010-04-28 04:36 pm (UTC)
idkmybffchappy
Apr. 28th, 2010 04:28 pm (UTC)
"But there's something... has to be something we can do." Sighing seemed to be a reoccurring theme. "Since I've been waiting here for you, I haven't talked to the others who were a part of the plan to rescue you. But if there's something we can do, I plan on doing it."

Problem was, Rukia didn't have an idea of what that something was. From what Lelouch she knew of Lelouch, something stood out. He was smart... smarter than any human she knew... perhaps even more so that Ishida. The shinigami made it a point to keep in contact with him and nothing was going to change that.

"Do not think because death is null here that I'm going to sit by and accept what happened to you."

Edited at 2010-04-28 05:20 pm (UTC)
revengeisalie
Apr. 28th, 2010 05:13 pm (UTC)
Rin gasped a little. "There was a plan?"

There'd been a plan? Plan to rescue her, Rukia said. That sounded grand, grand and glorious. Well, probably not that last. Rin could imagine it might've been rather messy. She wondered if anyone had been killed. Or if they'd managed to kill Joker. The sting of indignance she felt at that was weak; it didn't matter much how he died, if only he did. (even if she would have liked to do it herself)

Rin leaned back on her hands and looked toward the treetops and the sky. Bright, almost blinding, making her squint -- but eternally serene, calming. That up there was far above the hardships of earth, not caring and not affected. Right now, Rin would like to be a particle in the air.

So Rukia wanted to help? "Well, ah...," and there she faltered. What could Rukia do, really? Rin thought back to the time after Rukia's revival, how awkward the whole deal had been. She thought it was a pretty safe bet that this wouldn't be much different, and wasn't too keen on it. Yet she knew that Rukia probably felt obligated to take care of her, now, for a variety of reasons.

It was convenient. Right now, to be alone was the worst option available. Rin kind of wanted to be, but she was also afraid to. If she were alone and found again...

She winced and swallowed.

"Where... where do you live right now?"
idkmybffchappy
Apr. 28th, 2010 05:22 pm (UTC)
"Yes, there was." Rin may have not known that, considering her time with the Joker. But that also meant that she died because they arrived. For the moment, Rukia refused to look at Rin.

"Hisato." Words fell from her lips softly. Even though that's where she lived, she knew everyone would bombard her with a millions questions.

Why didn't you report in?
Why did you not wait for reinforcements?
Where have you been?
Why did you not contact anyone?

She wasn't weak, no. She could stand on her own. In a way, she had gone to prove that.
revengeisalie
Apr. 28th, 2010 06:22 pm (UTC)
Hisato. Right, Rin recalled that. Rukia'd told her about it before. About her brother living there, and her friend, Abarai Renji. It seemed where a lot of other people lived. Rin decided she wanted to go where. No matter how much she wanted to hide in the most remote depths of the wilderness, being among people was the best, the safest way to go. And she could no longer idle. Had to find a way to --

-- get out, that was.

Get where? To murder and mayhem and probably an early, final death.

(if death had such a thing as finality, even)

(you could never know for sure until you got there)

To a toil and a strife, a dead end or a road that ended in no-man's-land.

Her story had no happy end, she'd accepted that long ago.

Or so she thought.

(and still, if a human is alive, they will hope)

(like drones, repeating the same old circle, living for a designated purpose just to vanish without ever having truly mattered)

She still had something to go on for.

Unbeknownst to her, she'd started scowling at the sky and pursed her lips. "Let's go there."
idkmybffchappy
Apr. 28th, 2010 06:27 pm (UTC)
"No."

She couldn't go back there right now.

"Raisato. Let's go there."

Rukia stood up and and held out a hand to her.
revengeisalie
Apr. 28th, 2010 06:36 pm (UTC)
At this, Rin's expression intensified, took on a defiant slant. Raisato? No, not there. Not high up in the mountains with nowhere to run, not where few people are, not where the monsters struck them in such a literally fatal way. Why would Rukia want to return there?

"No," she said, a very slight quiver in her voice, which she otherwise made every effort to convey as decisive, "not Raisato. I want to go to Hisato."

Her mind was definitely awake and fully conscious now, and very busy with the task at hand. There must be a reason as to why Rukia refused to go to Hisato. Maybe it had to do with her family and friend. Her relationship with her brother seemed problematic, to say the least.

Right, so if she wanted to convince Rukia of her standpoint, she had best not invoke the family matter.
idkmybffchappy
Apr. 29th, 2010 12:53 am (UTC)
"..."

Rukia looked at the girl below her and just stared. Rukia didn't want to go to Hisato and Rin, to Raisato.

But Rukia that arguing with Rin would get her nowhere. She was the victim. Might as well comply with her demands.

"Fine. To Hisato then."
revengeisalie
Apr. 29th, 2010 06:11 am (UTC)
That had been easier than expected. Which Rin didn't mind, not at all. She knew Rukia's misgivings about the place meant she still had to be on her toes, but right now, she wasn't going to argue.

(how nice to have a task to devote oneself to)

(what a nice diversion indeed)

(all your fault)

(if you hadn't been so uppity)

(do you want a hug?)

Rin put on the sweetest smile she could muster. "Well, then, let's go!"

At that, she tried to get up, hands and feet stemmed into the ground to gather momentum, swinging herself up --

-- only to have her legs shake and give way and to fall back down.
idkmybffchappy
Apr. 29th, 2010 03:52 pm (UTC)
Rukia retracted her hand. Rin didn't want to take it. Hm. Maybe she was being nice. Too nice to a human... an entity she wasn't supposed to get close to. But Inoue and Ichigo seemed to change all that. But they weren't here but it was if they were still standing right beside her. Rukia's judgment about how she conduct herself in this place was wrong... all wrong.

Another sigh escaped but the shinigami was jolted out of her thoughts when Rin fell back. But her hand had gone back to her side, so she wasn't able to catch Rin in time. Rukia went to sit back on the ground, facing away from Rin.

"You shouldn't force yourself. Rest for now."

Edited at 2010-04-29 03:57 pm (UTC)
revengeisalie
Apr. 29th, 2010 07:13 pm (UTC)
Limbs shaking, limbs weak, Rin's frustration spilled. She hit the ground with her flat hand, which only resulted in scratches, and sang a glassquake whine. That one stretched out until her endurance was at its end, then followed by a few pant-sobs while Rin felt like the sky was slowly falling, like she was walking a barren earth, destroyed by a volcano, and the air heavy and thick with rain that would never come, because the air itself was impenetrable, you could cut through it with a knife if you wanted to, or a sword, but swords were useless when there was no flesh to pierce with them, and so they would be the last remnant of civilization, eroding slowly instead of being dulled by blood fat.

And the only sound left in the world was this: Do you want a HUG?

(echo: Are you always so rude and uppity?)

(that's why this is happening, you know)

(it's not like you can help being a psychopath's wet dream, can you?)

And all she could do for a makeshift fortress is wrap her arms around her knees, rocking back and forth, back and forth.

Edited at 2010-05-02 02:36 pm (UTC)
idkmybffchappy
May. 2nd, 2010 01:57 pm (UTC)
The shinigami turned when she heard the sobs.

Let it out.

That's what Rukia wanted to tell Rin, but couldn't. Her throat felt dry for some reason. And now that Rin was rocking back and forth. Rukia didn't know what to do. She hadn't seen that type of behavior before.

"Rin?" The girl's name seemed choppy out of her mouth. She had tried to say it as calmly as she could (with a dry throat), but it didn't exactly work. She was worried, but had no clue as to what to do.
revengeisalie
May. 2nd, 2010 03:40 pm (UTC)
Rin stopped her tantrum when she heard that single word, her very own name that she'd just found again. She was thankful for it, even if it was shaky. But hell, even Rukia was shaky, what was that supposed to help? And yet, she must be more sure than Rin was. Must be. Rin would believe it, right now, for both of their sanity's sake. Yes, that was it. That's the spirit.

There was only that sound to hang on to, anyway, so Rin just followed it and looked up at Rukia. Wiped her eyes a bit (a few tears had spilled).

"It's... it's okay," she said, voice not steady but hopefully clear enough.

She gathered her legs underneath her, doing her best to will the weakness out of them. Then mustered a bit of a smile, again. And then, wonder of all wonders, she gathered her strength and got up. Her conclusion was that sometimes, it was best to just do things without thinking about them too much. And, well, thinking about wanting to get up was stupid, anyway.

How foolish she was.

"Let's go," she told Rukia, as nonchalantly as she could (which wasn't very much).
idkmybffchappy
May. 4th, 2010 04:38 pm (UTC)
Rukia looked at the other girl as she stood up. Guess she was fine... or at least hiding it. Rukia followed, standing up and looked at her Rin's back.

Staring.

Again.

"Hm." She replied.

There was almost a visual of Byakuya when she gazed upon Rin's back. Quickly, she shook it out of her mind.

For now, she followed Rin to Hisato.

"I don't mind if we go there, but let me decide on where we stay."
( 23 comments — Leave a comment )

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